Thursday, July 18, 2002

New Tongyong Pinyin System introduced

TAIPEI Ywu Bwo-chyuan, inventor of Tongyong Pinyin, held a press conference this morning to announce the latest iteration of his system, which was recently chosen by a committee, headed by Ywu, to objectively pick a romanization system for Taiwan. Ywu "struggled with the decision", but finally his own system won him over, causing him to pick it over the international United Nations standard Hanyu Pinyin.

The new system, according to Ywu, includes changes to make the differences between it and the system everyone else uses stand out. "This will make sure everyone knows what Taiwan is saying is different than what China is saying, even if no one knows what Taiwan is saying."

"They'll know simply from the fact that they are listening to gibberish that it must be Taiwan," he continued.

The new changes to the system including adding the letters "w", "y" and "b" to every 6th words, except on Tuesday and lunar holidays, when the letters "t", "r" and a sideways "h" Ywu calls "The Taiwan letter" will be inserted into every 3rd word, not counting the words "Lemon", "Pile", "Moose" and "Englebert Humperdink".

A barrage of criticism from foreigners and Taiwanese concerned that the new system would simply promote Taiwan as an island of idiots were ignored by Ywu, who claims he is simply providing a public service.

"I am gradually implementing these changes to insure our national identity is known throughout the world," Ywu said.

"I can't wait to tell you what I've got planned for next week!" he added.


Area woman's hand asked in "Faghagdom"

KAOHSIUNG Luo Qing-fang, known to her friends as "Extra", was surprised and pleased yesterday when her best mo friend, 25-year-old Chen Hanwen, asked her to be his faghag.

"I've known Hanwen was gay for years, and sometimes I wondered if he would mind if I hung around him and his mo friends at bars," said Luo, 26. "But I never entertained the thought that he would choose me to be his faghag."

"It makes perfect sense," reported Chen, who had been looking for a women friend to take with him to gay bars and dance clubs. "Sometimes I need the female perspective. Not the real female perspective, of course; that would be kinda useless. I need the faghag perspective, and Extra has always been there, not sticking out but not really fitting in, when I needed her at many a mo venue."

The couple inaugurated their newfound status by going shopping, having dinner, and spreading deliberately misleading innuendo to confuse their parents just enough to get them off their backs about getting married.



CAL name change refused

TAIPEI The request of China Airlines to change it's name to "Taiwan Airlines" was refused by the Ministry of Transportation and Communications today, due to concerns by the government that such a name would damage Taiwan's fragile international reputation.

"We understand the thinking behind those in charge of China Airlines," said ministry official Chang Wei-tun. "But, frankly, what country in their right mind would want such a fucked-up airline representing them? As far as I'm concerned, their name is already appropriate enough."

The request came a week ago after researchers came to the conclusion that the company's dismal safety record and sub-par service were causing sales to drop, forcing representatives and agents to practically beg passengers to get on their planes. The upper management at the company promptly responded by stating that the company "needed a new image" to solve their problems. Several lame-ass China Airlines officials volunteered to step down and take hefty retirement packages to take responsibility, while an equal number of even more lame-ass China Airlines officials volunteered to take the place of the outgoing staff.

A 'test-marketing' version of the name change graces a "TAL" jet in Los Angeles. Street artists were given a can of spray paint and a dollar to create a new look consumate with the airline's reputaion.

Consumer reaction to the request was mixed. "I think we should have a Taiwan Airlines, to bring respect to Taiwan on the international stage," said one Zhuang Zhi-yi, 34. "But god help us if China Airlines does it. You couldn't force me onto one of their planes with a crowbar."

"The latest crash was great news for me," said one woman who refused to give her name. "I took out massive life insurance policies on all my cheap friends who are planning to go abroad any time soon. Better odds than the lottery, you know?"

"Now if I could just get them to fly China Airlines," she added.

Area man made to wait 45 minutes for beating by gang of Friday's waiters

TAICHUNG Lai Yuan-qing, 27, was forced to take an extra 45 minutes out of his busy schedule so that a gang of rogue waiters working for the international restaurant chain T.G.I. Friday's could finally get around to beating him within an inch of his life. "I could tell they were Friday's waiters, not just because of all of those buttons and shit that they have pinned to their red-and-white striped shirts, but because they just sat around and chatted for, like, half and hour before deciding it was time to beat me into a pulp," said Lai.

"I was just walking though an alleyway just off Zhonggang Road when I was surrounded by about seven or eight of them, all wearing stupid caps no self-respecting gangster would be caught dead in," he continued. "It was then I first suspected that these were just Friday's waiters gone bad."

According to Lai, the group pinned him to a dumpster within a reasonable amount of time, but then took forever to get on with the actual beating. "The robbery took forever. I mean, I should have been on my way in 15 minutes, tops. This is so typical." The Taichung Police department said that it "would not be shown up by a bunch of Waiter punks" and declared that Lai "would see some real procrastination now."

Whisbih fails to inspire construction worker

CHIAYI After seeing laborers from all over the island being instilled with enthusiasm and joy after drinking the popular energy drink "Whisbih", construction worker Wu Zhengan, 42, expected to be on his feet and shouting "Ho-ki-ah (lucky)!" after consuming the beverage.

"I really needed the boost," said Wu, who is presently working on an apartment building project. "It's hot as fuck out here working every day, I got a double shift, more and more of my co-workers don't understand Taiwanese because they're from freaking Vietnam, and then there were those rumors that the steel we're using is either irradiated or substandard or both."

Wu originally held suspicions about the validity of the happy workers holding the familiar brown bottle up and smiling in TV commercials, but after seeing it so many times, he, too, began to wonder if Whisbih could change his attitude as well.

"I wanted something to make me realize what a wonderful job I have, so I bought a couple of bottles of Whisbih to go with my betel nut instead of Taiwan Beer."

"The Taiwan Beer workers didn't seem quite as ecstatic as the Whisbih workers," he continued.

After consuming both bottles of the purple substance, Wu found that the taste was vastly overrated. "Damn, I don't believe how sweet and sickly that shit is," the construction worker told reporters. "Whatever those workers on TV are on, this ain't it. Lying bastards."

Wu revealed that, even after six bottles of Whisbih, his life still pretty much sucked.


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