Man finds finger in meal, wins prize
Factory worker Liu Hao-chuan, 37, was declared the lucky winner of NT$50,000
yesterday after he found a human finger nestled among his french fries
at a local ‘Golden Tex’ restaurant. The fries were part
of a special “Gold Rush Meal” which came with a chocolate
sundae, yet Liu had no idea that the meal also came not only with a
human appendage, but a large amount of money as well.
“I’d like to be the first to congratulate Mr. Liu on his
good fortune,” said restaurant manager Ellen Shu as she slipped
the NT$50,000 prize, safely tucked into an anonymous white envelope,
into Liu’s back pocket. “Not everyone is lucky enough to
find fingers in their meals. Only one in several thousand people even
find bones or intact fingernails, much less complete and recognizable
body parts such as fingers in their meals.”
Liu is optimistic, however. “I’m going to eat every meal
at Golden Tex from now on,” he told the NFRP. “One time
my cousin found part of a rat in his burger and won NT$200,000. Who
knows? It could happen.”
"D’Argo and Greg" premieres
TV history was made again last night as the new series “D’Argo
and Greg”, made its premiere. The series came into being after
the “Farscape” franchise was purchased in part by ABC after
being cancelled by the Sci-fi Network. Network executives immediately
began searching for a place for the show, but concluded that they could
kill two birds with one stone by taking the most interesting characters
from “Farscape” and placing them in other shows, especially
ones lacking any entertaining elements, in place of the more irritating
elements of those shows. In this case it was Dharma, the annoying semi-hippie
new-age blonde woman who played opposite Greg in the previous incarnation
of the show.
“We felt that the character of D’Argo would bring a bit
more conflict and cultural impact to the show, “ABC Producer Rick
Lestrom said. “We hope to bring in a whole new character arc and
hopefully recapture some Nielson points.”
In the first episode, D’Argo, played by Australian actor Anthony
Simcoe, shows up on Dharma’s doorstep after a being accidentally
‘starbursted’ into our solar system. When his female host
complains about his taking up residency in her crowded New York apartment,
he cuts her in half with a long knife and sucks out her eyeballs with
his tongue. Then Greg comes in to borrow a cup of raisins and discovers
D’Argo kneeling over the body in a scene that is at once both
hilarious and touching.
Other former “Farscape” characters are scheduled to appear
in other shows as well. Chiana, played by Gigi Edgley, has signed a
contract for a season as the Alien friend on “Friends”,
while Aeryn Sung, played by Claudia Black, will be captured after her
escape pod crashes into the pacific ocean, causing several international
rights violations on a very special episode of “JAG”.
China declares independence
Nation openly declares intent to ‘go its own way’
Chinese president Jiang Zemin stunned the world on Sunday with his announcement
that “China hereby declares that it is an independent, sovereign
“We are our own nation,” Jiang explained at a press conference
held for the statement. “We are not just the ‘manufacturing
yard of Taiwan’, the ‘uncivilized hinterlands of Hong Kong’
or the ‘backyard of Tibet’. We have our own culture and
our laws, and we intend to take measures to defend our right to recognition
in the international community.”
Chinese President Jiang Zemin announce's Chinese formal
independence at a press conference on Sunday.
The statement resulted in confusion from many countries and skepticism
from the US, who sees it as a ploy to gain sympathy. “The US is,
as always, committed to the One-China Policy” White House Spokesman
Ari Fleisher said in a press release issued this afternoon. “We
cannot recognize the independence of China and still stay true to the
spirit of our prior agreements with Taipei and Hong Kong.”
Jiang went on to detail plans to make Chinese the official language
of China, institute a new national anthem and create a new flag with
the Chinese characters “Zhong Guo” on it. “No more
of those ambiguous little stars. What is this, a nation or a kindergarten?”
the Chinese president said, banging his fist on the podium.
The reaction in Taipei was mixed. Some government officials extended
a cautious welcome to the initiative, while opposition parties expressed
outrage that Beijing would take such a step. Hong Kong Chief Administrator
Tung Chee-hwa’s office issued a staple application form letter
to the press, fueling speculation that no one actually works there.
UN Secretary Kofi Annan was quoted as saying in reaction to the Chinese
announcement: “I don’t know what Jiang’s been smoking,
but I hope he brings some next time he’s around.”
New, fashionable ball-busting shoes found useful
When Cathy Huang bought her first pair of pointed-tip high-heeled shoes
last month, she thought that they merely represented the latest fashion.
But after only one week she found that they were practical as well.
“I can walk through just about any crowd now, and while before
I would find myself blocked in by arrogant businessmen, now I can clear
the way with just a few well-aimed kicks,” she told a NFRP reporter
Fashion experts agree. “These new shoes are not just symbols
of the empowerment of females,” raved Vogue Magazine sub-editor
Carolyn Lee. “They are also powerful, ball-busting tools for dramatic
demonstrations of the new social order in an everyday environment.”
“More and more, men who are used to getting their way in every
respect are left groaning on the sidelines as women take their rightful
place at the forefront of fashion,” Lee continued.
Huang has made impressions on her co-workers since her latest footwear
purchase. “She seems more assertive and sure of herself. It’s
amazing what a good pair of shoes can do for a woman. I learned that
from watching ‘Sex and the City’,” said co-worker
Others disagreed. “It’s very unattractive,” said
Frank Meng, Huang’s and Yu’s boss. “She [Huang] used
to be such a good worker, always on time, never wasted much time. But
now she actually goes out of her way trying to literally walk all over
the men in the office. One time I asked her to do some overtime and
she actually hissed at me.”
“Bitch,” Meng continued under his breath.
Huang’s boyfriend, Shao Yong-chi, 30, being listed as in critical
condition at the Taiwan Adventist Hospital, was unavailable for comment.
Mayor vows to eradicate evil from city
Taipei Mayor Ma Ying-jeou said yesterday that he would put an end to
evil in his city, setting himself a deadline of two weeks to complete
“In 14 days, there will only be goodness and harmony in the city
of Taipei,” Ma told reporters while he jogged through the Taipei
Detention House, which he was visiting to “see the face of evil.”
The mayor said the centerpiece of the crackdown would be an advertising
“You may already have seen my face on quite a few advertisements,
but you ain’t seen nothing yet,” Ma said.
“From tomorrow, you will see me running, jumping, swimming, rock
climbing, bungy jumping, wrestling aligators and holding babies three
times an hour on every TV station and on the side of every bus in the
city. Evil won’t know what’s hit it.”
Ma said he would also organize over the coming week for helicopters
to drop leaflets over the city publicizing the crackdown on evil. The
leaflets will feature Ma setting fire to a car thief with the caption
The mayor will also use technology to get the message across. The Taipei
City Government has reportedly bought software that can send mass e-mails,
commonly known as spam.
Chien Ker-ming, head of the city’s Bureau of Communications,
yesterday sent to the media an sample of the e-mail, which shows Ma
flicking the switch of an electric chair to execute a female prostitute
to music from the Queen song “Another one bites the dust.”
Along with the advertising campaign, the mayor is also targeting the
financing of evil.
“I’ve instructed the Taipei City Police Department to triple
the bribes they demand from pimps, pushers and other sources of evil,”
he said. “This way we can squeeze evil out of the city financially.
They will go running down south, where the bribes are far lower.”
Evil was defiant yesterday in the face of the City Government’s
“What’s he going to do, eh? Advertise us to death,”
said Ho Lin-feng, head of a gang that operates out of Wanhua district.